Dogs Vs. Kids: A Guide For Misguided Landlords

A few weeks ago, we moved into a new home. It is perfect. The guy who is renting it to us made certain of that. It has new lighting fixtures throughout, tile, paint, he even put a few plants here and there in the garden for me. The kicker? Brand new, beautiful, plush carpets in each of the bedrooms. This house is gorgeous, and literally right down the street from my parents. It is a three house walk to visit them. I told our new landlord to get used to us, we're never leaving. He said “Good, it's a short drive to my groomer now.”

Our beautiful new home, photo courtesy of google maps. This picture is quite old, as the tree in the center is no longer there.

Finding this place wasn't easy. My husband and I went and saw at least twelve houses in person, lost every one we putt an application on, either because we weren't fast enough, or because the place flat out wouldn't take our four dogs. There are so many places in the Phoenix Valley that don't want dogs or cats or birds or whatever in the place it isn't even funny. Oddly enough, had we wanted an apartment, we'd have had a relatively easy time finding and renting one, but I need more wiggle room than an apartment in our budget would have cost, and my kids and dogs would not have been happy.

Shortly after we moved into our dream home (no literally, very shortly. The next day. I was still unpacking!) my oldest daughter came down with whatever stomach bug it is that's making the rounds this time around, and though she knows where the toilet is, and that you are supposed to puke in the toilet, puked everywhere but. Including the beautiful new carpets that had been installed just days before.

Fuck!!!

This morning, I am up waaaayyyy before my usual time. Why? Well, yesterday I got my dogs what I call “chewies” (they're bones from the butcher) and the kind I bought didn't agree with poor Percy's tummy. Needless to say, we won't be buying lamb again, but you know what? The DOG did not shit or puke on the carpet. The DOG did not make a mess and just expect that I would clean it up. No. The DOG woke me up and begged to be let outside. The kid? She still thinks it's funny that she barfed on the carpet.

Anyway, without FURther ado, The Doofy Dog Blog Presents:

Dogs Vs. Kids

A Guide for Misguided Landlords

Kids: Will draw on the walls. No matter how hard a parent tries to prevent this from happening, parents have to use the bathroom too. Eventually, it will happen. Kids know better? Yes, most of them, by my child's age, should. Do they care? No.

Dogs: Will beat the wall with their tails. A very rare few will eat the walls. If your dog eats the walls, please seek help. Drywall is not a healthy alternative to kibble, and people who are crazy are considered to have “eaten paint chips” when they were little. Don't let your dog do this.

Photo credit to Breeze Stickly, who is the mom who actually thinks to take photos. I am a bad mom. I never take pictures. I just yell and make them clean it up. >.<

Kids: Will make noise constantly and don't listen to reason when asked to be quiet. This may lead to noise complaints.

Dogs: May bark occasionally, some really like the idea of barking at squirrels or birds, but many, my own included, only bark when there is a reason to do so, and therefore may be a deterrent for people wishing to cause harm to the property.

Winnie loves to play the piano... as loudly and at the most inconvenient times possible. 

Kids: May destroy everything if left unsupervised.

Dogs: It's legal to put them in a cage when they can't be trusted alone. Do so.

Kids: Pester people when they come to visit, including landlords or maintenance people coming to fix something.

Dogs: May bark a few times but will generally leave guests alone. Worst case scenario, it is still legal to put them in a cage. Do so.

She can definitely be a guest pesterer. She likes attention. 

Kids: Know where the bathroom is, choose not to use it when it isn't convenient.

Dogs: Know where the bathroom is, and uses it properly, especially if doggy door is available.

Yup. He pees in the backyard. 

Kids: Dig up yards searching for treasure.

Dogs: Dig up yards searching for... treasure. Gross treasure.

Winnie did this. She dug p my garden and then dumped the dirt on the porch to look for seeds. Ugh. 

Kids: Hate to take a bath and will fight tooth and nail to be stinky.

Dogs: Get shipped off to a groomer to get a bath weather they like it or not.

He KNEW he was about to get a bath.

Kids: Barf all over the house without any thought to getting to the bathroom. Will literally stand in front of the toilet and puke on the floor.

Dogs: At least try to puke on tile if possible. Some will desperately alert their owner that they need to get OUT!

MOM! Pay attention to me!

Kids: Messy eaters. Food will be everywhere until they get older.

Dogs: Generally contain their food to a dish.

Winnie, about 9 months old, covered in BLUEBERRY!

Kids: Egg each other on and instigate each other's nonsense.

Dogs: Keep each other in check so they don't do so much crazy shit.

"Hey. Stop. Settle the fuck down!"

That is just a short list of things that could cause problems in a rental, but I'm sure that there are many, many more. I think if I were a landlord, I'd charge a child deposit fee over a pet deposit fee any day.

Many giggles, and all my paws,

Annie

"I just want ya'll to know that I'm fucking pretty."