Things Only Dog Owners Say

 As a dog owner, I have said many a thing over the years that would make a petless person think I was batshit crazy.

We all know that I am, indeed, batshit crazy, but I like to prove it (and put it in writing) in this blog. My dogs are well trained, but they are still dogs, and I fully expect them to act as such, I would be worried if they acted perfectly all the time... I would wonder if they were sick, or up to somehting! Anyway, without FURTHER ado:

The Doofy Dog Blog Presents:
Shit Dog Owners Say That Makes Us Sound Insane

• Don't stand on the table please.

• Please don't lick my feet.
• Don't sniff that man's crotch. It's rude.
• You're naked. Why are you naked? Where is your collar?
• Why are you on the table again? There's nothing up there for you.
• Are you really licking the window?
• Please get your nose OFF of the camera.

• That's not food. Spit it out. I mean, leave it. Thank you... That doesn't mean pick it up again, damnit!
• Your head doesn't belong on my laptop, sir.

• Could you not lick your crotch in front of company?
• Off the fucking table. Now.
• What is that on your nose? What – stop fucking moving!
• Digging that nose print on my clean glass door. Tres chic!
• Just because I'm getting ice, doesn't mean you need it. Please go away.
• Really? Can you please keep your food in your damn dish?

• Did you have to dump your mouthful of water in my lap?! WHAT THE HELL?
• You just had a bath, what is in your fur?!
• Stop looking at me like I'm stupid.

• C'mon on Doggies, let's go potty! (This is sung to the tune of C'mon Barbie, Let's go Party)
• Did you just bite me? Why did you just bite me? That's not how we play!
• Please do not put your ball in my mouth. I don't want it.

• What the fuck is so fascinating about the damn table top?! GET OFF!
• That's not a toy... Well not for you. How did you get that out of the drawer?!
• Where have you put all my socks?

• It's a doorbell, not a death call. Fucking relax.
• Did you really rip the bows out of your sister's hair? Why? Jerkface!
• Can you please get your butt out of my face?!
• Get off of the laundry, please. I'm trying to fold it.

• What did you eat that made you stink like that? Holy fuck, I need a gas mask!
• That's my pillow. Get off of it. Now.

• Don't drink my fucking bath water!
• You snore like Satan! Gods, shut up!

• For the last time, get the fuck off of the table!
• You're such an asshole, but I love you so much.