As usual, unless I'm bored out of my skull in my regular life, it's been a while since my last post. I'm not going to apologize any more. I have two kids, four dogs, and a grooming salon in my garage, not to mention a student husband. I'm fucking busy, ya'll!
Anyway, on to business - a couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine gave me a bag of semolina flour. I've never worked with it before, being that semolina is actually a variety of wheat, I was hesitant to use it for the dogs, but after doing some reading I decided that I would try it (and keep it away from the dog with the wheat allergy, obviously. I'll make him something else tomorrow.) As it turns out, semolina is a pain in the fucking ass. I spent hours on these treats, basically screwing with the dough trying to get it to not be so crumbly... and then not be so wet, and then... well, you get the idea. I will tell you that:
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| This... |
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| Started as these... |
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Which then turned into this... |
UGH.
FINALLY I ended up with the right recipe, and I'm glad I did, because three of my four dogs think that these cookies are just the bees knees. I will say that part of the reason this took me so long was that I actually made two different flavors of treat, which began with exactly the same base, but had different things added to them. Now, if you're prepared to make a mess, or see the photos of ME making a mess, then...
Without FURther ado,
The Doofy Dog Blog Presents:
THESE FUCKING COOKIES
What you need:
2 cups semolina flour
1/2 cups all purpose gluten free flour (this, the flax and the semolina are manufactured by Bob's Red Mill, which I generally buy from Big Lots... It's much cheaper there than it is anywhere else.)
3/4 cup Flax meal (I buy it whole and grind it myself.)
2 eggs, including the shell
4 TBSP coconut oil
1tsp baking soda
1tsp baking soda
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| The APGF flour isn't pictured here, mostly because I suck. |
For the flavoring of Fucking Cookie A:
1 cup peanut butter
3-5tbsp water
For the flavoring of Fucking Cookie B:
1 tin drained and blotted sardines.
1 tbsp dried Parsley
1 tbsp dried Mint
1/4 cup water
The sardines lost their covering somewhere. I don't know if I care to find out where.
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| Unreasonable I tell you! |
You need cookie cutters, of which I have a fucking unreasonable amount (all of them meant for dogs, except like... two. I know. I'm insane.) a rolling pin, and a bit of extra APGF flour for dusting... don't try to dust with the semolina. It won't work. Don't be me.
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| Yes, there is proof positive that I'm a total wino. You would be too, if you were me. |
A personal assistant who thinks you should REALLY hold his ladybug won't hurt either. Promise!
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| He's really insistent that I need to hold that damned thing. |
Start by combining the two flours, the flax, and the egg (sorry you can't see the APGF flour in this photo, I figured out later that it was necessary and ended up having to knead it in. Again, don't be me, add the fucking flour!)
Blend it up really good until it's a crumbly mess. Touch it a little. It feels really cool, if you're a texture person. I know, I'm a freak.
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Round and round and round it goes... where it stops... I could not actually give a fuck. But it looks cool! |
Add the baking soda and the coconut oil. If you do it just right, it'll look sort of dirty. Beat it up again, then split the crumbly mess you now have in half and move one part to a second bowl. Do not add anything else yet.
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| I'll have you know that this is my FANCY tupperware. I get really upset when I loan it out and don't get it back. |
Add your peanut butter, and mix it up really well, then add your first two tbsp of water. In the mean time, lube up a pan... I just use coconut oil to do that.
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| I really need new cookie sheets. This is just sad. I got this set when my husband and I got married. |
Roll your dough out, if it's still crumbly, make it into a big hill and use your fingers to make a depression, then add some more water to the depression and work it in by hand.
Roll it out, which I failed to take a photo of for either dough, and then use your cookie cutters to make pretty cookies, which you will bake for 15 minutes at 350 degrees.
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| What they looked like when I finally got them to the right consistency. This is post baking. |
Next, put your other half of crumbs back into the mixer (or the bowl you're using if you're not as fancy as me *note: I'm not fancy. My mixer is ghetto, but it's mine!* and are just using a bowl.) By this point you should have patted the sardines dry and they should be good to go into the batter.
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| Alton Brown SWEARS they're not as gross as they look and smell... I planned to find out and got scared. Nope! |
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| Fucking appetizing. Another reason I'd really prefer to come back as a cat in my next life. Ew. |
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| Roll out... roll out! (If you didn't sing that, we can't be friends) |
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| I got a new camera and I'm working on being proficient with it... |
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| Compared to when I first got it, I'm getting pretty decent at this photography thing... Now if only I could figure out how to shoot my clients better! |
Once they're cooled off, let the dorks who have been hovering have a taste. They've (mostly) stayed out from under me during this little "adventure" so I think they deserve a nightcap.
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| His "leave it" is almost flawless. I love it! |
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| Princess Stinky needed her cookie broken up for her. |
I hope you enjoyed my late night cookie-mutilating shenanigans. I definitely did.
All My Paws,
Annie
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