The Doofy Dog Blog Presents:
Grooming Is Not For Sissies: 10 Reasons My Lady Balls Are Bigger Than Yours
10) Poop. Or rather, shit, because how can you seriously call something as raunchy smelling as that something as innocent as poop? You can't. Its shit, plain and simple. The worst part is, they almost never drop that nasty deuce until after you're done grooming him, he'll wait a few minutes for you to dutifully admire your fabulous work, or until his owner is just around the corner, and then he'll not only shit... he'll step in that bitch and fingerpaint (pawpaint?) with it, like some fucked up, four legged Picasso, and you'll notice just as his owner is walking in the door, and he's waving his stanky brown paws in full force splattering the dog next to him (who is, by the way, freshly washed), and you'll want to cry. Instead, however, you must laugh it off and prepare to rebathe in a hurry so Fido can go home to his own back yard where he can shit as much as he likes. There is shit everywhere in the grooming salon... They'll shit in the tub, their crates, kennels, and cubbies, on the floor, on your table... in your pocket. Yes, I said pocket. Nothing and no one is safe from shit.
9) Dogs have teeth... And nails. And many of them don't like to be groomed. That adorable pooch you saw freshly groomed at the dog park yesterday, who's owner told you he could "Be a bit snippy" for the groomer? His groomer probably calls him Cujo when nobody else is around. Some dogs turn into vicious balls of teeth and talons in a hurry, and I know more than a few groomers who have had bites bad enough to land them in the hospital (myself included). Sweetie isn't so sweet, in fact, she's fucking terrifying from the moment she hits the bath tub. Muzzle her, you say? Yes, please, let me get my hand close enough to her inch long chompers to wrap something around her face that may or may not exacerbate the situation and put me even more at risk of having my face ripped off and sacrificed to the demon god of DON'T TOUCH ME, YOU BITCH!
8) Sharp objects are everywhere in the grooming salon. Clipper blades, shears, hemostats, dematting tools, there are any number of things that a person, klutzy or not (I'm the former) can destroy themselves on. I myself have cut myself on my own shears just by touching them to see if they were needing sharpening or just readjustment, and it makes you feel stupid. Worse yet, is the idea of cutting a dog with something, which, unfortunately, happens far more often than one would think.
7) Grooming isn't just a job, for many it becomes a hobby... a very expensive one. Just last year I spent almost $1800 on new equipment, maintenance, and licensing fees, and probably quadruple that on booth rent in the Denver salon I worked in. Fun, yes. Addictive? HIGHLY. Expensive? Extremely. A pair of shears can run you anywhere from $25 - $700! My clippers of choice usually run $149 before tax, maintaining them every few months (sharpening, adjustments, changing parts out, etc) can cost several hundred dollars a year, which is why many groomers, myself included, choose to do that shit ourselves. Empty your wallet if you plan on joining the industry, baby. We'll match. The plus to this? Equipment is tax deductible.
6) In the introduction, I talked about people. Let me talk some more about people. If you though Mary Margaret Motherfucker was nuts about the way you make her Starbucks in the morning, why don't you try giving Fifi, her Shihborderdoodle a hair cut. "Don't trim the tail. I'm serious, don't trim her tail. I want it long and flowing, but make sure you shave her butthole really good" (a great opportunity for Fifi to shit on my clippers, by the way. Its happened.) "What do you mean her tail is matted and has to be shaved? Are you kidding me? I brush her EVERY. DAY." (Guess what? Fifi wants to eat me AND the brush just for picking the fucking thing up). "Ugh, whatever. Can you put bows in her hair? Wait. No. Don't put bows in her hair. I hate the ones you use. And make sure and trim the hair out of her eyes, and her vajangle!" (Selfsame owner will call back in thirty minutes to change the entire hair cut and to tell you to go ahead and put the bows in, then she will call an hour later to inquire as to why her dog isn't finished yet, though she was an hour late for her appointment.) You also, can never please some clients. No matter how perfect you think the dog looks when you get done, there are some people who will consistently bitch about whatever you did, or did not do. There are several videos on youtube about the crazy clientele we work with on a regular basis, here are some links to my favorites:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmbuNI6xrjw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dIcEsmA1cKU
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFG3jfvlLzA
5) Cats. For those of you who groom cats, I salute you, and bow before your ballsy prowess. I do not now, nor will I ever again groom cats. I did, once upon a time, a long time ago, groom them. For about nine months I had at least one cat a day while I worked at a vet's office. My oh my... I'll take 13 Cujos from number 9 in one day over a single cat, or even Voldemort himself. They scratch. They hiss. They spit. They bite (and for all the good it'll do you, you might as well get bitten by a motherfucking black widow. I swear cat spit is fucking poisonous) They shit and piss, and you will stink for the rest of the week (no matter how many times you shower. Those smells get stuck on you worse than cigarette smoke.) Fuck that, and thank you, cat groomers, for saving the nightmare of shaving the pussies of my dog clients.
4) This shit is physically demanding as a motherfucker. My back hurts. My hips hurt. My calves hurt. My feet hurt... Almost constantly. Add in that between driers going, dogs barking, and people yelling over the general cacophony of the grooming salon, my hearing is shot. You would think that the obvious answer would be to sit down and wear ear plugs, right? Helll no! You try chasing Monkey McSquiggles allover the table while you're sitting down, and being completely unable to hear what anyone is trying to say to you. It doesn't work. Your grooms will come out looking like this if you try sitting down:
3) Your heart will break on an at least weekly basis. People bring in abused, matted, neglected dogs all the time, usually because the animal control has stepped in and threatened to remove the dog, or they're coming in for their once yearly groom and are completely pelted (like the dog in the picture above was.) The dog is probably terrified out of its mind and will attempt to bite the shit out of you, and your heart will break even more because you know that the entire reason that this is happening is because this dog isn't getting the care it needs and deserves.
2) Hair splinters. What the fuck is that, you ask? Its fucking painful, that's what it is. Its a tiny piece of hair that lodges itself into your skin and causes redness, irritation, and pain. They can lead to infection and guess what? They can even lodge into a follicle, plant roots, and GROW. They're disgusting and evil and literally, for me, the worst part of grooming.
1) Its real work. A client of a friend who works at the same salon as I do made a comment when she heard about her hours along the lines of "Oh! Its just like having a real job!" I wasn't there, but I wanted to smack her when I heard it. My exfiance's mother was the same way, constantly nagging at me to get a real job. This is a real job. If you can commit to the physical labor (some dogs weigh over 100lbs and have to be lifted and fought with) the crazy owners, the biting dogs, the ridiculously large amount of money the industry sucks up, and everything in between, you may find yourself in the most magical, rewarding profession I've ever had the pleasure of being a part of. For every one bad thing, there are ten amazing things that keep me working with dogs every day. Me and my big ol' lady balls will groom until we're stooped and shriveled. I love my job. <3
All My Paws,
Annie
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