The Doofy Dog Blog: Sarcastic Nonsense Blog #1

WARNING:

This blog is full of sarcastic assholery and swear words, and is meant more for the entertainment of my groomer friends than actually being informative to clients, but don't let that stop you from reading it (There's truth here!) This post also contains photos of my dogs looking irritated.

I've been having a rough go of writing lately. Words haven't seemed to flow the way I'd like for them to in a long time, writer's block is killing me, and I hate it. Even I get tired of the Dog Stuff blogs, trust me, and when that's all I'm posting month to month, I can't imagine that you guys enjoy it at all. As long as this blog has been around, I should have way more posts than I do, but I lead a busy life (Life? What life? I don't have a life!) and I'm not near a computer as often as I'd like to be... But you'll probably be happy to know that today is not, indeed, a Stuff To Love post, in fact, its more silly grooming nonsense, that you may, or may not enjoy. So, without FURther ado,

The Doofy Dog Blog Presents

More Things You Probably Fuck Up At The Groomer

Have you ever walked into your chosen grooming salon and told the receptionist / groomer / whoever you talked to that you want a puppy cut on your dog? If you're any kind of good groomer, and you're reading this, you're rolling your eyes as hard as I try not to when I hear that phrase, because you know as well as I do, that it means NOTHING. You, the client, go google "Puppy Cut" right now. You will find five thousand different images of COMPLETELY. DIFFERENT. HAIRCUTS. Stop that shit. It means NOTHING. If you want to have a clear idea of what you want for your pet, TALK TO YOUR GROOMER, and be REASONABLE. This leads me to the next thing you're probably fucking up.

Groomers are not, and never will be Hogwarts Graduates (as much as I wish, oh my...) I'm sorry to break your heart, honey, but your matted maltishipoochiweenie isn't getting an inch all over... She's probably getting closer to 1/8 of an inch all over, if that. I also cannot make your Bichon Frise look like a French Poodle, your Westie look like the dog from the can of garbage you feed your dog, nor is your Pomeranian going to look like Boo, because they aren't. It is what it is. Love your dog for what he looks like, not what you want him to look like.

Your dog is most likely an asshole. Most grooming salons I have worked at will tell owners that their pet was a perfect angel in order to keep the client returning (I'm so glad my current job isn't like that!!! AH!) The thing is, MOST dogs are assholes for some aspect of grooming. I work on Shih Tzus that have been groomed every six weeks since they were old enough to have a rabies vaccination, and they are STILL gigantic assholes that make me groan when I see them on my books.

The food you're feeding is probably what's fucking up your dog's skin, not the shampoo I'm using. Or the Cologne I'm using. Or the whatever I'm using that you're blaming for the condition that your dog CAME IN TO THE SALON WITH, is not my fault. Check your food and consider trying a Limited Ingredient Diet so you can figure what's causing her to have hot spots and flakiness, because 10:1, its not the shit I'm using. I'm allergic to existence, and none of the things I use bother me, so I doubt they're bothering your dog.

Stop lying to your groomers. Telling me that Fifi has a collapsing trachea and I can't use a loop on her when there's absolutely nothing wrong with her just makes my job more difficult, and the likelihood of you getting a shitty groom higher, which makes the chances of you feeling the need to call me to bitch about your non-treacheal collapsing pancake dog's shitty looking westie clip, which you requested on your chipomapuggledoo.

Don't get pissed at me because I called your dog a maltese mix. If you went to a pet store and dropped a grand on a maltichug, that's your own idiot fault, not mine. Your dog, unless its pure bred, is a mutt. I have a Golden Retriever (who, just based on his looks and actions probably has some sighthound mixed in there somewhere), a flat coated retriever, a boxer mix, and a cocker/doxie mix... I don't go around getting offended when someone calls Bridget a cocker mix... Its what she is. Your Fifi is a mutt, just like Bridget, Piglet, and prooooooobably Percy. If you don't like it, maybe you shouldn't have bought a puppy mill dog (Because seriously, 99.99999% of you who get pissed about me calling your mutt a mix, have "paperwork" from some fancy pet store that buys from the shittiest of dog shitholes, the puppymill. Congrats on supporting that awful business.)