Dogs Don't Talk - Thank Blog!

    A few days ago, my husband and I got into a rather heated debate about which of the 101 Dalmatians films is better. It was a really stupid argument (mostly because I'm so obviously right, but whatever.) He says that the talking dogs in the animated version makes the movie easier to follow, while I feel that talking dogs are a juvenile fantasy and much prefer the live action version. Seriously, only the humans talk, and frankly, that's more than enough chit chat for me. We don't need to add the dogs two cents in there (besides, who didn't love watching Glenn Close get covered in shit? I love her, but I loved that even more!)

Photo credit to Disney and Google

   I know. You would think that given my crazy dog lady status, that I would be the first to wish that dogs could speak. However, I'm not.

   Why?

Well, it's simple, you see - I'm very Grinch-like when it comes to noise. It's one thing I hate, the noise, noise, noise, NOISE! (Side note - do you notice how that started to sound like a noise rather than a word?) I very much prefer a quiet environment,which, truth be told, I don't get very often because I have two kids.

Not as Grinchy as I was hoping, but it works, I guess. 

My dogs, on the other hand, don't talk. They don't (verbally) criticize my every move. They don't talk shit (to humans) behind my back. They don't (verbally) incessantly make demands of me, or spill the deepest darkest secrets I've told them.

Yet, even lacking the capability to verbally voice that they love me, I know that the fuckers do.

I mean seriously. They put up with me making them do shit like this. If that's not love, I don't know what is.

To me, one of the most beautiful, special things about this idiotic pack of nonverbal imbeciles is that every day, they SHOW me that they love me, and in return, I have to show them that I love them. They don't understand "I love you" in the same sense that people do - and that's fine. It also helps me to remember to show my human friends and family that I love them, because so often, the words aren't enough.

Percy, for example, is always there if I'm crying or upset. I hear his little snort of concern as he climbs up to lay beside me with his head in my lap (or, you know, right in my face if I'm laying down). He's been ding this since the day we brought him in off the street. Words, I feel would cheapen these moments. Why would I want something so human to come out of something so beautifully dog? I wouldn't.

Piglet is a foot licker. I used to jerk my feet away and tell her to find something else to do until I noticed the look of sadness in her eyes one day. Pedicures are Pig's love language. Is having my feet licked my favorite thing? No, but frankly I'm glad, if she's determined to use that as her way to let me know that she loves me, that she doesn't talk while she does it. Can you imagine??? "Bitch, your feet are nasty. Hold still while I clean that shit up. Dumb ass humans can't even lick your own feet... Hey, by the way, since I do this for you, you should totally consider doing my ears with your tongue next time.

No. Please don't talk.

Bridget, though, she's my girl. It may not be so bad if she could talk (except that I totally hear her speaking with a valley girl type accent. Gods forbid) because Bridget is my migraine alert and protection system. Hours before the onset of a migraine she develops an obsession with my head. You read that right. She wants to be as close to my cranium as possible right before my own personal hell opens up right inside my skull. She noses, paws, sniffs and is just a general nuisance in the time leading up to the flood gates of evil opening. I've had her since 2012, and stupid human that I am only put two and two together recently to discover that she was warning me - now I can take my medicine before it starts and it doesn't hit so hard.

On top of warning me, she also tries her damnedest to get people to leave me the hell alone when I'm feeling under the weather - be it a migraine, the flu, or even pregnancy. While I was pregnant, Bridget would growl and nip at anyone who tried to wake me up. Thankfully we were able to stop the nipping, but she still would growl and block any attempts made at touching me. How is warning me about a migraine and preventing people from waking me anything other than love?! That's more than I could ever ask for.

Then, of course there's Doom. Doom is my long time partner in crime, though in the past few years, he's decided that he likes my husband better. He has proven in the past that he would, again and again, risk his life for me. I read somewhere once (thought of course, like anything I read on the internet, I took it with a grain of salt) that it's unusual for a dog to protect his owner when his own life is in danger is very rare if he hasn't been trained to do so. However, Doom has done it not once, not twice, but three times. I will never forgive myself for putting him in a situation where he felt it was necessary to do so, but I tell you, I will also never forget what he's done for me, even though he probably thinks I'm a fucking idiot.

This turned into more of a ramble as to why my dogs are fucking awesome than reasons dogs shouldn't speak in the movies, but it is what it is. I guess it's enough to say that I prefer the character that dogs display in their natural, nonverbal state to annoying voice overs that never seem to fit right. I will always prefer Piglet's insistent "MOOOOOOOOO!!!" to "Bitch, I'm hungry get off your lazy ass and feed me!" Percy's soft snorting to being repeatedly asked if I'm ok, Bridget's sassy ROO to being told that I am her cuddle bitch and need to get my ass in bed, and, of course, Doom's deep throated roar asking me to throw the ball in place of "ohmygodareyoustupidthrowthedamnthingalreadyyoustupidhumanimbecile!"

Dogs are fucking awesome te way they are. No words needed.

Hm. Maybe I'd like people better if they didn't talk.

All My Paws,

Annie